its me

2011-10-04T22:22:00.002+08:00

Im tired and sad and i finished up my tears long ago. So now i feel like crying but no tears. This feeling is even worse than crying.

2011-09-11T23:03:00.002+08:00

The month of september really is long and tiring. Now i know why they say 'wake me up when september ends'. Everynight before i sleep i pray that tomorrow will be a better day.

I may get upset, you say im sensitive. But i gotta admit. Im just jealous of you. Pretty, smart, rich and rich parents, endless suitors queuing up. Ur sea of friends is never ending. And what do i have? Plain looking, suck at math, poor and still have to support my parents, the guy i love hates me. And u are my only friend.

When im heartbroken, u tell me that i can talk to u. But have you realise that when we go out, we do the things that you like. Im those 'anything lor' type. Partly because im fine with doing things that you like, but also because i know you wont do the things i like. So i dont bother saying.

Not everyone can be as happy or strong or insensitive as you are. I dont think like you and i most certainly dont have a life like you. There are so many things that you dont know and you dont observe.

2011-09-06T23:26:00.000+08:00

3rd week of school and i decided to end this relationship. ):

It hurts but at least it seems like the right thing to do. My heart wants to be with you but my mind is telling me tt you are better off without me. All the while I eat shit breathe sleep also think about you.

I know you are not sad, not heartbroken but im sorry for all the trouble that ive caused you. You wanted a relationship but i gave you more problems. I cant tell you what, and i cant explain either.

I guess it was naive for me to think that you will sense something is wrong, but you let go so quickly. And what does that mean? Guess im the only one needing this relationship.

2011-07-22T00:32:00.002+08:00

Nights like this make me feel lonely.

I think when a relationship grows older, it will eventually reach a point when love and habit strikes a balance. and habits may not be a bad thing either. and i got a habit of falling asleep when my bf is beside me. when he's not around, its so difficult to fall asleep.

not sure if its because im afraid of being alone. but knowing that he is beside me, hearing him snore, feeling his presence, i feel safe enough to even turn off the light.

2011-07-12T19:16:00.002+08:00

time to spend time here again. i wasnt too busy to blog, just nth to talk about i guess. and if i try to find a random topic, most likely i will write a whole lot of shit and go out of point. so im just gonna record my boring life here.

i started working at arena since 29 june and will continue working on wed, fri and sat. alot of people think that i work at club is because im a clubber. it just shows that they are very shallow and they dont understand the reason why i choose to work in this environment. this kind of people i dont need them to understand also. those that understand why i work wont even ask me or think that im working because im a clubber.

anyway, so far im enjoying the work there, ya i need to stand for long hours and the lack of sleep, etc, etc. again, people who understand me know i dont work for money, i work for environment. and thick skin abit, i think i learn quite fast also.

i think it was friday that i watch transformers with bf, dy and his small brother. the movie wasnt so bad, but its not my favourite either. then sunday supposed to go play the wii games at ehub but bf didnt bother booking a room so they told us there wasnt anymore space so went home and watch AVP. and it turns out that AVP wasnt even scary. just a group of monsters fighting only. and i may have watched AVP2 without even remembering.

and monday night stayover at bf house and watch xmen first class. its quite boring, not as exciting as xmen 1 2 and 3. first class was more of a history class. and maybe too many mutants involved.

today apply for bank loan from OCBC. why i choose OCBC? not because of interest rates (its rate are higher than others) not because of its flexibility (RHB Bank also have it) but because they can loan up to 8 times of monthly pay and other banks usually only up to 6 times and OCBC opposite my house only.

today i look at my dad and saw how old he is. maybe its time to forgive him.

2011-06-28T22:38:00.000+08:00

I feel like dying.

2011-06-28T18:06:00.002+08:00

I wont say that im the best gf in the world. But i dont think that im the worst also. I can be very affectionate everytime i fall in love. I can be willing to do little things to show that i appreciate someone very much. Im willing to spend time and money if necessary. Im foolish til the point that i got treated like a dog in the past.

I know whats the meaning of "doing things without expecting anything in return". But i believe that even the nicest person on earth also have a limit right? The person who keeps giving without receiving anything or even get acknowledged by their effort will also be tired. Tired of being so nice. Tired of being treated so unimportantly.

2011-06-24T17:16:00.002+08:00

I thought I would regret my decision. But no, I feel more relieved. Like I dont need to put on a smile so people will not think that im emoing. I dont have to act high so that people notice my presence. Its the time when i dont feel like myself that i feel alone with a big group of people. But the feeling of being alone but not feeling alone is so much better.

All the while, most of my so called friends think that im very independent, think that im someone who can handle everything. Can i still call these people my friends when I very clearly know that they never understood what kind of person I am? And if im feeling quiet that day they all say i emo. I dont deserve some quiet time on my own? And when im happy and is a bit more chatty nobody ever listens to what i say. Sentences that i say out are ignored.

You people make me feel like mulan. Forcing me to be somebody im not. Maybe thats why Reflection is my favourite song.

2011-06-23T23:21:00.002+08:00

tuesday went bedok to sing song with bf. the price wasnt so bad and the service was good. their tv thing had to key in your hp number so it will rmb the songs you requested for then next time you go, you just go to favourite songs and all the songs you sing before will be there for easy clicking.

morning timing was 11 till 6 pm, they will give 3 hours minimum then if no customers want the room or what they will let you sing until 6pm. if still no customer, you really can sing until the place close at 2am for weekdays, 3am for weekends. but the bad thing is 1 drink per person only, and the drinks are all can drinks. at least they allow us to bring our own food and drinks, not like kbox tibits are $7++. we even saw people buy mac and bring in the room. so if a big group of friends want sing the whole day, the price and the system is better than others.

and lucky i force bf to go shopping with me at bugis. at first he was deciding whether to go out shopping to get his berms then i just help him decide. he got 2 berms for $25, i got a simple maxi dress for $15, a black flats for $19.90 and bf buy charles & keith demin heels for me. i think limited edition one leh. feels like im wearing some branded jeans for shoes. but i still have to pay for his ticket to USS ):

2011-06-22T12:07:00.002+08:00

a little update on my life,

last sat went to the jurong bird park on a double date with me, bf, chuqiao and bf. im lazy to post any photos here and im still considering whether to upload in on fb at all. maybe just post some human faces beccause the birds were all hiding that day.

at night went to this bar/pub place at raffles. its called 1altitude and its on the 62nd level so the sight was pretty nice. went with bf and his friends and found out that benjamin was afraid of heights! a big guy can have his soft spot too. it was nice mingling with other gfs there. sharon is now a little less judgmental.

next day, sunday morning. went to zoo with ann and chuqiao. since they say they will be late so i purposely took my own sweet time and was even later. i think the zoo is undergoing some renovation so i didnt get to see the polar bears. the whole day was a bad day. i know people said that friends shouldnt go out in threes. because somebody will be left out. i just assumed it wouldnt happen to us because we knew each other for so long. but when it happened, i didnt know what to do. keep following them and try to act like im close to them? if i do all the acting then im just another fake person. so i chose to walk alone. if they forget me then too bad for me i guess. afterall, people always think im this strong girl that will be fine on her own. so they think its ok and just let me be independent.

someday, i hope to find a friend that really understand me.

2011-06-17T00:27:00.002+08:00

Everybody should understand when someone tells them not to judge a book by its cover. Still, it takes bits and pieces of experience with different people before you understand what it really means.

Friends over 10 years may still be a bitch and betray each other. Strangers that look mean doesn't mean that they are a bully. Why is it so difficult for friends to truely know each other inside out? Why are there still friends that take each other for granted? Are those friends that use words to put me down still friends? How do I know whether they did it on purpose or it was a slip of tongue. I think it would be better if you have close friends, but not so close until they have the chance to backstab or say words to upset you. I wonder if husband and wife or couples bitch about each other.

"Don't judge people!" so many of us say it. But most of the time, the people who say this are also judging people as well. I say so much, I also find it difficult not to judge someone based on first impressions.

2011-06-11T00:39:00.002+08:00

I spend the week at phuket. I wont say its a waste of money, but its not the best place also. but Im glad this trip help us to rethink this relationship. Maybe its better this way, better to end it than to keep fighting over our problems.

2011-05-30T15:36:00.002+08:00

Why is it that everytime i introduce a friend to another friend, they end up being close and forget all about me? In the end, they hang out, they talk to each other but not to me.

Since the time I could remember, I'm always in someone's shadow. Hiding behind a friend that is cool, popular, someone that everyone likes. And they remember me as "X's" friend.

Are all these Xs in my life still considered as friends? Or i just havent found the one friend that people will remember as 2 individuals that are cool and 2 good friends?

2011-05-27T22:28:00.002+08:00

Is this the best or the worst birthday? Its up to you to decide.

Early in the morning, quarrel with bf over small matters.
Still rush to sp but waited outside until he is done because i refuse to forgive him.
When we took pictures, it seems so easy to just stand beside each other and smile like nothing is wrong.
After that took train to tampines. The train was packed with no free seats.
At aljunied, i was feeling sick and giddy so we went outside to sit on the bench.
And i threw up in his sp paper bag.
He held my hand tight and i can feel the warm from his hands making me abit better.
He piggyback me to the staffroom to rest.
I took 2 panadol but threw up again. Most likely due to empty stomach.
We took a cab home and i fell asleep beside him until it was time for dinner.

2011-05-26T00:36:00.002+08:00

Nothing much is happening in my life. I even chose not to go for my graduation ceremony. Besides getting evidence to tell the world that you graduation and is qualified for a job, its just photo taking session with your friends. Since most of the law students were 'hi-bye' friends, I didnt see the point in waking up early for 1 minute of walking down to stage and get a piece of paper. So I was home alone watching Glee season 2 the whole day. I thought I was anti social or something. But I didnt feel lonely. I was texting in between the videos and for once, I actually felt happy. In fact, if I force myself to go to school, I would be lonely sitting around people who werent my friends.

2011-05-16T22:57:00.003+08:00

I am officially a tuition teacher! Just ended my first lesson at 9, tomorrow going back to teach her brother. Teaching is really not easy, its not about solving problems, its making sure the student understands. And when the kid is too young, she dont understand but she still say yes to everything.

2011-05-08T22:10:00.002+08:00

Its Mothers' Day again and also my last day of training.

To be honest, I dont quite like the idea of mothers day. Not that I dont like my mum, just that, why must you only celebrate mothers day once a year? So many people just bring their mum for an expensive dinner or buy some expensive present and give it to their mum and say "Happy Mother's Day". Then what about the rest of the year? Your mum dont wash clothes, clean the house, go shopping for house items so that you can get away with spending money on her for a day.

If you really love your mum, who needs mothers day to remind us. Seriously. Yes, I didnt treat her to dinner at a restaurant or use money to get her something. Instead, I use my time to give her massages when she complains of backache, I bake with her, I go shopping and be her fashion consultant, I watch tv dramas with her. And I talk to her. So much better than a dinner.

2011-04-22T18:57:00.002+08:00

i realise that this wasnt the kind of relationship that i was expecting. it made me turn into a girl that gets upset easily, cry easily, it made me question myself and made me think that im not good enough for you.

perhaps it was you who took me for granted or maybe i was too sensitive and always cooking up a fuss. what went wrong, i really have no idea.

but now, i dont wanna try anymore. i dont want to be the one that is running after you. since young, im the one that is always pestering the other party. honestly speaking, which girl doesnt want their guy to pay attention to them? which girl would be ok and calm when their guy is looking at someone else, lusting after someone else? so please dont ever think that the problem is you looking at someone else. you should be able to understand what impact that would have one me. you should know that by doing certain things, you make question my ability and position in your life. remember your friend dancing with another girl while the gf is at home? so what if other people say that touching is a more serious 'crime'? its the same concept, you love her, you wont even see others in your eyes.

whats the point of being together if you never once share your true feelings with me? why is it that you either keep things to yourself or you prefer talking to your friends instead? 1 year already, and i still cant walk into your life. you seem to be happier without me instead, while i cry when i know you talk to your friends instead of me.

so i rather be alone everyday than texting you and seeing your cold replies. i rather be single than be in a 'relationship'. unless i get back my confidence, unless you prove yourself by changing, its not a relationship to me. im not chasing after you anymore. im the girl, and i like to be chased.

2011-04-21T14:02:00.000+08:00

为什么只有我一个人在哭, 你都不会难过吗?

2011-04-20T00:30:00.001+08:00

is there a need for you to treat me so coldly when we have a fight? i dont understand why you can totally ignore me like i dont even exist. if im only for good times and not bad times, how long can we still be together?

2011-04-07T23:41:00.007+08:00

a quick update of my life...

1 April - start work at kbox

2 April - quit my job at kbox (:

4 April - swam and tan until im really really black now.

5 April - cycling at ecp. of all the bicycle renting shops, only one has 1 hr + 2 hr on weekdays. the rest of the shops only have 1 hr + 1 hr. so 8 bucks for 3 hours quite cheap. somemore i no need to cycle until so tiring cause we took the 2 seater one. too bad it rain suddenly and still have to share shelter with cat.

7 April - start work at iora. 7 hours stand there and iron clothes and sweep floor. sibei tiring. and i still need to think of what to wear. they don't provide clothes for part timers. ): tomorrow still need to work.

2011-03-26T22:35:00.003+08:00

This time, you are too much. You say im stupid, yes, im stupid. Stupid enough to think that you know that im sensitive and i will get affected when you say me. Especially words like stupid. And im stupid enough to think that maybe you would stop your game for awhile and stop things out when we quarrel.

Im sorry im not smart enough for you. Tears will still flow but at least i get stronger with every heartbreak.

2011-03-24T23:02:00.003+08:00

i am so scared of monday's interview. but if the job is an easy one then i think im gonna take it. went to see the requirements of the job and mistook another company for this one. the other company's requirements are so high, must do photoshop and design company's webpage. lucky mine is simple, microsoft word, powerpoint only. but the office like at some ulu place. in the middle of somerset, orchard, clark quay and chinatown mrt. how to find?

2011-03-14T21:21:00.003+08:00

im just gonna blog now and update some other time. because my computer is so slow and im lazy to wait.

so on saturday, 12 march, went to SIM open house with ann. and we decided on going to UOL for accounting and finance. got free popcorn and candy floss over there at the entrance. after that went to sing song for 2 hours until our throat pain and play pool.

yestarday, 13 march, dingyuan's birthday and also celebrating bf birthday at changi beach. shouldn't listen and sillyly brought fishing rods.

today, 14 march, bf birthday went out to eat jap food, toy museum and watch movie. and i couldnt remember which day i went to bf house and celebrate for him. i think its on friday 11 march.

2011-03-13T06:38:00.000+08:00

6 am. and its raining.
here i am awake because i slept too early. ):

2011-03-05T23:37:00.003+08:00

Went to SIT open house all the way at buona vista at MOE's building. I wonder if i will be able to get in with results like mine. Then again, i keep thinking. Is it really important for me to get a degree in hotel admin? Because i dont need a hotel degree to work in a hotel. I can get a low position and try work my way up. Anyways, no harm just trying to apply. But the tutition fees are way more expensive than SIM. And no bosses are replying to my job applications. Oh well, the boat will be straight when it reaches the harbour.

2011-03-04T23:53:00.002+08:00

i always thought that it was cool if someone just randomly tries to pick you up. but after what happen at the pool today, i think guys who do that are gross and stalkish.

it starting raining when i wanted to go in the pool and swim. so i wait at the canteen for the rain to stop and the sun to come back so i can tan and swim a bit. then this guy 'shawn' came up and started talking to me. saying stuff about girls in bikini and my figure. what else can i do but to say i had to go home and quickly change clothes and rush home.

2011-03-01T23:55:00.002+08:00

special thanks to exams for ruining my life. really.

couldn't bother to blog or find pictures for my bf album in fb because if i find those 'what did i do today' kind of pictures, it will all be the same. study study and study. have been studying with ann for the past week since last thursday i think. then friday was the start of exams with IP law, went to ikea to eat lunch and bought shot cups for jackie and took the ikea pencil also. after lunch, ann and i really studied at ljs 24/7 till yestarday night. sing kbox on thurs and friday, play pool on monday. im really sick of fast food and fried chicken, fish or fried anything. so i force myself not to buy kfc but settled for chicken rice.

I TREAT MY BF TO EXPENSIVE LUNCH TODAY!

and studying at his house = me dozing off or playing computer. now we got new hobby, job hunting (:

2011-02-24T22:41:00.000+08:00

sometimes when things make me angry, i cancel and change the plans which i will end up regretting later when i calm down. but if i don't act according to my emotions, i end up sticking to my plan and doing things half heartedly with a black face.

2011-02-23T00:05:00.002+08:00

i don't believe that there isn't a guy in this world that stays away from porn, smoking, drugs and tattoo as well as keeping his eyes away from another female's face, boobs, butt and another other body parts if he truly loves the girl.

if he loves the girl, why would he even need porn, drugs to keep him feeling high and body art to look 'cool' and staring at some hot passer-by?

and if he doesn't love the girl enough to stay away from all these, then stay away from that girl before she gets hurt. (:

2011-02-15T01:06:00.002+08:00

i really enjoyed all the dinner or lunch with jackie. now that i feel that my health is getting lousier with my stomach hurting me who knows when i can really enjoy good food without my tummy complaining. have to learn how to take care of myself especially when jackie going in ns after graduation. hope tomorrow night i can fall asleep without nightmares.

2011-02-14T00:40:00.002+08:00

had valentine's day celebrate today with jackie. apart from the choice of movie and the cats in the bar we went to, everything was fine. but the movie really sort of woke me up. 1. the scary scenes. and thats why im still awake. because when i close my eyes and try to sleep, i just seem to either hear voices or have weird images.
2. the meaning of the movie. that is also why im awake. because it reminded me of how far i have drifted from God and all the things that i do in the past are wrong. a mistake. so much i have to change.

2011-02-11T23:49:00.002+08:00

should have just gone to school. see doctor for mc and still gave me 4 pills and 1 cough syrup and it turns out that my throat thingy was swollen. the bill was $45. im not going to that doctor again.

2011-02-11T00:12:00.002+08:00

had law games soccer today. badminton was supposed to be held on monday. but was cancelled as it was a failure. and i think 'failure' is underrated. at least the soccer wasnt so bad. still got teams to play and of course the year 3s won. zai fell over the barrier thing twice and wasi score a goal, in their teams goal. (:

Happy 1 Year Anniversary love (: i wonder what presents im getting on sunday. lucky still got 2 more weekends to spend with you. like real dating, not just go eat dinner at tampines then go home type of date. then after that is exams then chiong work all the way then hopefully got a graduation trip to go to. please save up!

2011-02-09T23:13:00.002+08:00

Today is worse than a bad day. Bf spoil my mood in the morning. Tutor for ip spoil my day. Prudential deduct money from me despite repeated requests to cancel my account. Late for meeting ann. Tummy ache from dinner. Bf phone make me angry. Bf disappoint me again.

Give me a reason to hold on please. Stop pushing me away.

If one more time a person keep checking their phone and busy messaging someone when they go out with me, im not going out with that person anymore. Because they obviously rather talk to other people other than hang out with me. Then go ahead. Dont ask me out ever. Had too much incidents when people rather be busy texting or talking to the phone to someone else when they are with me.

2011-02-08T15:40:00.000+08:00

ytd stayover again (:

i will never play cards with jackie unless im on a winning steak and its at my house. then i will absorb all the luck. and baby's arms getting fatter and nicer to lie on already.

2011-02-04T23:01:00.003+08:00

i always preferred day 2 of cny to day 1. not because of the bigger and more ang baos. but the relatives from my mother's side are also better people. don't have bad habits like drinking or smoking or gambling. and we actually talk about other stuff then 'how old are you?' ok we still ask the children for there age. because there are so many of them. its impossible to remember their age when they just keep bursting out every year. and the adults talk about other stuff, more into understanding each other. not like the other side....

12 adults of 1st generation

23 cousins and spouse

14 + 1 baby of offsprings

= 1 couple with one random girl at background

2011-02-02T21:07:00.003+08:00

went out for last minute shopping with ann and found this cute pair of heels that is perfect for valentine but now, i'm not sure i have a date anymore. i guess this is what people refer to as 'mutual break up' or something. i don't know whether we will get back together, but i'm not crying about it or feeling suicidal anymore. the thing is, i cant stand it when you make me feel stupid. when you say i don't know how to think, so does it mean that you know how to think? if you know then why did you post certain things on fb to your friends? even though it was a private thing and you never expected me to see, but what would your friends think? would they think the same and know that you were just joking? or would they think that you weren't serious about me so you are feel to think about someone else? more importantly, what were you thinking? were you just trying to make it sound like a funny thing or did you really mean what you say? and of course you told me it was just a joke, but seriously, if you start joking about us, how many more jokes are gonna follow behind?

i don't know the way guys think or how other girls would respond to the same situation. but you of all people should know that i'm sensitive about such jokes and that i wouldn't joke about the same thing about you. you of all people should know i'm insecured and you should know what to do to make me more secured right? and you of all people disappointed me again and again. and secretly, i envy those couples that can go 'i miss you' whole day long on fb or on test messages. at least they voice out how they feel. i can't even say these feelings out without feeling awkward because you don't miss me.

2011-02-02T00:21:00.001+08:00

i always like the smell of jackie. now that im stress and tired from projects. all the more i want to snuggle in with him and have him hugging me tightly.

2011-01-30T23:53:00.002+08:00

how do i get confidence if the people around me think im stupid and fat and ugly? some are meant to have it, some are born with low self esteem and others just slowly built on it using experience and life. and the people in my life are just putting me down.

2011-01-30T00:11:00.001+08:00

i don't know what to believe; the words in my head or the actions proven to me?

but i'll remember 29 jan 2011 as the day you told me you love me.

2011-01-24T22:58:00.002+08:00

i don't feel well enough to go to school. not even well enough to play games on fb. i just want to lie down and forget about ip project.

this week gotta finish ip by tues night, actually wanted to finish today but.....
study for ct test on wed on tues night after ip, but i think its open book so....
finish cgc drafting by thurs
START MY PROBATE!!!! don't want to ruin last min shopping trip.

shit. tomorrow have consultation for ct project. i don't blame malini for not starting on projects because i myself also no time. so i think i just do more skeleton and muscles to my ip then try to conjure something up to show joyce low tomorrow. (:

2011-01-24T00:27:00.003+08:00

i know im having issues with my relationship. and honestly, im confused. how can some couples 'pretend' to know that what they have is a stable and long lasting relationship? i thought there is no answers to this kind of questions? i have seen 'stable' couples breaking up the next day because the love suddenly just disappeared like that or there was a problem long ago just that they covered it up nicely until it exploded. vice versa, there are also couples who quarrel everyday and everyone thinks that they wont last but they did.

my bf never says his feelings, just like most guys. but im hoping that the reason why we are still quarreling is because he still loves me. i like to keep things simple. if there is love, then you have a stable relationship. and please grow your hair quick quick. if not next year calendar all your head like botak like that, not nice.

2011-01-22T22:54:00.002+08:00

i don't like tampines' poly clinic. only open for appointments on saturday. then people like me who went all the way there just to see the doctor end up have to pay expensive bill at private gp. then the doctor so rough, poke at my wound with the cotton to clean it. and now its still leaking some water and blood stuff together. waste my money.

officially dislike couples who keep making people think that they are very happy together, like being all over each other in school especially when they are in classes. or show online that they are a couple. like if you miss your gf just msg or call her? need to post online so that other people know?

my doctor say i cannot have any trauma. if not later the wound will split open.

2011-01-22T00:26:00.001+08:00

I really had enough. I thought at least i was entitled to a bit of pamperness. But i only got blame for being stupid

2011-01-20T01:56:00.003+08:00

sooner or later i think i gonna blow up also. people in school make me pissed off, go chalet also see certain people behave until like that i also sian. i angry also no body side me.

little bit also can angry, since i not worth it jiu walk away and don't come back. so many pass relationships the guy treat me like dirt, have a stupid temper. i don't need one more who thinks that he can scold me whenever he wants. i said sorry for my mistakes, you don't believe it then too bad. im not gonna be like the small girl that always let people scold and keep quiet about it. i thought that love is greater than anything, you trust wholeheartedly, you talk nicely to each other. now you want to be so negative about this relationship? continue throwing your temper for the little things like my ex and you end up my ex. ):

2011-01-18T23:21:00.002+08:00

I am very unhappy with my life. I got so many projects, no time and not fit enough to swim and exercise, i dont have nice figure or a pretty face with good complexion, my bf not from tp to pei me eat lunch everyday so i skip meals, i totally cannot eat anything, i thought i was having swensens for dinner but we were outside pizza hut, i only can sleep in one position every night, i got phobia of presentations for tomorrow and above that, my bf keep cutting short hair instead of keeping ah beng hair even though he know that it was the reason why i was attracted to him. ):

2011-01-18T00:31:00.003+08:00

i think im a bit dumb dumb.

almost thought that i use my mc to print my school notes.

forgot about all of my deadlines for test and projects. and i don't have a personal assistant to remind me of my school work. maybe tomorrow i will check all my deadlines. maybe... unless i forget about this also.

banking test was okok, can see which area of law ben ang was asking for. IP consultation with annie postpone to tomorrow. i think its better because i got the time to see doctor to change dressing for my wound, and i think we are not very prepared also. after that went back to see wendy yu for sip feedback. if only i did my report 1 day earlier, i could have better grades. just by binding my report together or get a file or something for it. wasted. oh, and i have a stupid ex bf who like to tell tales to show that he very man or what. no wonder he is ex bf, i feel disgusted to even say we used to date. should have calmed down before i talk back, can solve problems more easier. and im sick, like fever sick and not enough water sick. tomorrow got to start on probate and a bit of revision for friday's test. omg, 12.40 already!!! okok. sleep!

and jackie tan, i trying not to stalk you anymore. bye

2011-01-16T15:42:00.001+08:00

i didn't want it, but you wanted this to happen.
you are ok with it, im not.
i shdn't have told you, but i did.

bye

2011-01-15T22:56:00.003+08:00

i survived my op, with no fainting just giddiness after the medication wore off. it was my first experience and hopefully no second op and no more lumps. my wound is still bleeding so got to see doctor to help me clean up on monday. i got a 14 day mc which i might not use because of class test and projects. ):

reached kk early in the morning. the doctor quickly poke the needle for me and push me in the theater. after that i breathe in the strawberry oxygen mask and i didn't know that i knock out until i woke up in the resting area at 10.30 i think. so i thought, wah i not bad, never vomit. so the nurse let me drink water and let me walk outside to the chairs part. then i vomitted twice and felt giddy after that. so had to sit wheelchair back in and lie down again. and was given lollipop by the nurse. and they had to keep taking my bp because its super low but i went home after a while in the giddy cab.

2011-01-10T23:52:00.001+08:00

i am not very smart, nor hardworking. but i am lucky enough to find people who are willing to help me. hopefully their information is useful and i got enough brains to understand it.

2011-01-09T22:03:00.001+08:00

i need to let go of the past. and hold on to what i have now. period.

2011-01-08T22:38:00.001+08:00

good news : i finally satisfy my craving for muruku and munching on it now.

bad news: i am snacking it because someone is out there partying and getting drunk, maybe with or without other girls, i don't know. but im sad and disappointed.

2011-01-06T23:51:00.002+08:00

i wonder if guys find it cute when their gf snores? like the way we think they are hot when they are drenched in rain. (:

and open house starts today. and this year was supposed to be my happiest year because its our last open house. but the same usual reasons also spoil my mood. and i don't like the way my printer has no brain. and i was silly enough to let it print in colour also. couldn't print my last page of tut materials because no more colour ink. so i tried continuing in black but now the printer don't allow. so i thought nevermind, one last page i share with my friends. then i realise i forget need lecture slides also. i try again, it still doesn't let me print. stupid!

anyway, i have outgrew certain things. now even if my bf ask me go club i also don't want go. unless its his birthday. and im sick of being angry when he go drink or club already.

2011-01-04T23:09:00.002+08:00

today is quite an important day for me. its one of the days that i actually finish my project and handed it in one day before. one reason is i don't have lecture at 9am, and even if i have lecture, i know i will be late for the handing up time. secondly, i don't want to spend the whole night doing my project.

but ever since SIP ended, i just have this feeling that my project, report, answers to tutorial are wrong. since young, i always had the confident feel in me that my answers are accurate and i get disappointed when i get back my test papers. so now, even if i hand in my project early, i still think about it and try to find some mistakes in it.

done with reflection. had to celebrate my hand-in-project-early day. so i force bf to watch movie with me. and The Tourist is a super nice show. i think its the first time a show had me thinking. inception didn't get me to think so much, because its only at the ending and it felt like it spoilt the show instead. but tourist is different. it had me thinking about it for the duration of the movie and it made me happy when the answer is revealed at the end and have a happy ending. and when i board the bus back, i took off my specs and saw miniature fireworks made up of lights.

2011-01-03T23:50:00.001+08:00

i need to watch my diet. im not only getting fat, my gastric starting to pua stunt any time it like

2011-01-03T07:26:00.001+08:00

You were the one that kept me alive. The one that told me not to harbour these thoughts in mind. Now that you are gone, what is going to keep me going in this world? I cant let go so easily like you.

2011-01-03T00:10:00.002+08:00

i can't do this. i can't cope with school work, medical check ups and heartache at the same time.

i really don't know how to let go and move on. if you want to, you can walk away first. when im ready, i will walk in a different direction.

2011-01-01T23:19:00.002+08:00

maybe this is for the best? because i always had issues with trusting people. and after so long i still can't trust you when you go out with your friends. still can't believe that maybe there is one guy that will never cheat or lie or hide things from his gf. i have seen so many guys cheating when they had a gf for don't know how many years and appear like the perfect couple in front of other people. but their closest friends know that he occasionally club with other girls or hide things from their gf. just that they kept quiet about it. so long as they think that 'the grass is greener on the other side', they will definitely cheat or have thoughts about someone else.

2010-12-30T22:14:00.002+08:00

time to blog about genting!!!!

day 1 -
i couldn't sleep that night so i just toss and turn from 12 midnight to 4 am and kept bf awake also (:
after that bathe, blah blah, took the long bus ride and reach First World Hotel at around 12 noon i think. but i think the service kinda suck. we still have to wait until 2pm before they start to check people in. so went to eat burger king and they gave us the wrong burger ): and our room is on the 7th floor with no aircon. so lousy. and the toilet so small with no bathtub to soak in. but after staying for 3 days, lucky no aircon, if not my nose will keep running and running non stop. then decided not to play the indoor rides on the first day so nap awhile until 5pm then went for dinner and shop around. the shopping mall so confusing can. walk until i giddy. and the kopitiam there sucks. the food is even more expensive then the fast food. at night watch canto movie until we both tired.

day 2 -
the mist spoil the day. most outdoor rides were closed except for those 'not-so-fun-rides'. then the mist cleared abit but we didn't get to play rides like pirate ship and my favourite flying coaster. and we queued an hour plus for corkscrew. then the mist came back after we finish spinning so had to get back indoors and shop again. didn't get a go at go-kart but still tried the bumper car. first time i drove on my own!.

day 3 -
nothing much because we were busy checking out. didn't bother to take pictures of the trees this time because i was tired and lazy. and to be honest, the trees not very nice also. and it was raining quite heavily as well. reach tampines at 7 plus and cab home.

ps. both of us were sick from christmas till now.

2010-12-29T22:10:00.002+08:00

im finally back in singapore and happily lying on my bed. bought back so much snacks, clothes and injuries back from genting. overall the trip was 3 stars out of 5. 1 star for bf, 1 star for me and 1 star for bf winning a seahorse back for me. the 2 missing stars is the long bus trip and the mist on the second day preventing us from playing all the rides. will add in the photos when im free.

2010-12-26T23:38:00.001+08:00

tomorrow im travelling with bf. (:
but i think 3 days 2 nights a bit too short to play and short around. hopefully there will be a chance for grad trip. i wish that this trip will be a happy one instead of ruining the relationship.

2010-12-23T23:11:00.002+08:00

YEAH! bf dated me out at his house. yup, i enjoyed the slacking and falling asleep part. and managed to watch gulliver's travel and makan pasta. can't wait for tomorrow. hope i got enough cash. (:

2010-12-23T04:17:00.002+08:00

i never felt so empty inside before. now my brain is telling me to stop. but i dare not guarantee something if there is a slight chance of breaking that promise. however, i know that i have outgrown myself now. certain things doesn't seem that fun as compared to when you were younger.

2010-12-22T00:58:00.001+08:00

went for jackie's aunt ROM this afternoon. and because of someone i had to woke up super early and reach his house super early also. will load some photos when im free. and i hate my mosquito bites. it gets itchy when i want to sleep.

2010-12-20T20:15:00.002+08:00

i want all of this to end. all the fighting to just stop and go back to how we use to be. can you do it?? you use to be the one who seems to be capable of everything. now i see is just two people who wants to give up.

2010-12-20T00:57:00.002+08:00

had my first hospital experience on friday. not fun at all. if only i didn't have a fit and faint, my operation would have went through and my worries would stop. now i have bigger problems to face and i hate it when no one cares. and when i tell others, all i get is, you think too much or won't happen one. then when i keep quiet about stuff they say i emo or don't know what im thinking. and what's wrong with us? because i feel that this is just like any normal friendship. you never express verbally, so how am i to know whether im wanted. i rather you go to your friends instead.

2010-12-17T00:30:00.002+08:00

hoepfully i will be able to wake up tomorrow to continue living. if not i guess i won't have much regrets also. already swam together with jackie at least once today. and he seriously swim like a mermaid, so graceful. and im a greedy girl, i always want my seconds. he always feed me until so fat with good food. and he sort of helped me hand in my sip report also, if not i have to retain another year at TP. will upload the photos today on a private album.

have fun tomorrow at your medical check up. u can call me if you scared of needles and drawing blood.

2010-12-14T23:43:00.002+08:00

love is like a marathon.
the longer you are together with something,
the more tired you feel from running.
some people give up running,
while others continue running for a while
feeling angry before they give up.
now i'm waiting for you to back track
and run together with me again.

i still love you! (:

2010-12-14T01:01:00.001+08:00

i feel like a lazy bum. i want get my bf help me do my homework, help me blog, help me exercise and swim, help me eat, help me bathe also.

i don't want go to school. so waste time. ):

2010-12-12T00:29:00.002+08:00

i want freedom, i'm not sure this is want i want in life afterall. i know i have changed, but partly it was also due to your actions that cause my change. cause me to be so cold and wanting to get away. since you can't accept me as who i am, then just walk away. im not asking you to stay anymore.

2010-12-10T00:23:00.001+08:00

i don't like it when my game is not loading.

i don't like it when my teachers upload the materials for lectures or tutorial so slow.

i don't like it when my computer is so slow.

i don't like it when my whole internet is down. ):

2010-12-05T22:11:00.002+08:00

after 11 weeks of being in the office. i get to wake up earlier and take the bus to school now. haven't even start school i already stress. so many projects and all the deadlines squeeze together. still got my sip report to hand up as well. then this friday got tut for banking and finance. means have to wait for 3 hours in school. so have to make this 3 hours well spent. so finish up sip report and maybe start on projects. i want to finish everything before genting. don't like the idea of worrying about school when im having holidays. so from now on is school and part time work. double tired. no more time for dating till i graduate. ):

and i perm my hair today!!! so pretty la. especially when the hairdresser blow the hair nicely. no more straight snakes. only got twister curls. :D

2010-12-04T22:07:00.002+08:00

i know you don't care about what happens because you didn't like who i was going out with. whatever ok, no need you to care if im injured or what, you cant accept me as who i am, then too bad. sorry for wasting your time. i know i don't deserve those harsh words from you.

2010-12-02T21:16:00.002+08:00

tomorrow is the end of sip, the moment that i have been faithfully counting down to. have learn alot about office work, law work, politics and irritating colleagues. people who like to boss around, like to lick the boss's shoes, like to act innocent, like to pretend like they very helpless. thankfully sip has come to an end. and i think our love is also going to end. after our last holiday, i promise you i will give you what you want. no more quarrels, you no need to be angry, i don't need to be disappointment. we will go our separate ways, knowing you will be happy with this i wish you all the best.

2010-12-01T21:51:00.001+08:00

i think there is something wrong with me. i actually thought it was funny and laugh damn loud when the actor scolded fuck when he was quarreling with the girl. (:

2010-11-30T22:59:00.001+08:00

stupid day at work. now i really really won't miss that damn place when i leave. good riddance to you bitch!

2010-11-28T22:32:00.003+08:00

had bf stayover yesterday. and we had a new activity that we can continue doing in genting with bigger room and bigger beds. (: lucky i have this bf to be with me through my ups and downs. even though we recently had nothing but fights, i didn't bear to break up with you. i love you.

2010-11-26T20:58:00.003+08:00

every month i put my hopes on you. and every month i get disappointed. until now i learn not to expect anything from you. thats why i stop putting in effort. that was the last time i will make something for you. i don't want to waste my money, more importantly, my effort and love into something you chuck in the drawer. by the time you realise and start giving in, its too late. my feelings would be gone by then.

2010-11-25T20:00:00.002+08:00

i think it was yesterday that i had another weird dream. but the dream is full of impossible stuff. i'm gonna name all the weird stuff.
jackie, ch and i went to my secondary school and ch drove us there(1.ch come to my school for what? 2. he don't even have a car). i think there was an event or game thing. then i had to find the room with the teacher to answer a few questions. i don't know how but i just followed wendy(3. wendy not even a teacher, why she at hs?) into the staff room and found andrew chia(4. he is tp teacher, not hs) sitting there. then he interviewed me. then later jackie said that ch going tecktonik later. then they going practice or what. so i went home, i think i fell asleep or what because when i climb out of bed and look out the window i saw snow covering the ground(5. singapore where got snow? 6. i stay so high how to see the ground until so near?). so i quickly pack my bag and rush out. when i in the lift i realise i left another bag in ch car so if i bring another one later jackie scold me. so i wanted to go back up then the lift spoil. then got some jc people walking down the stairs then they told me to play with the toy at the side then the toy will press the 'emergency button'. then i realise that the lift not like lift like that. its like a box with opening and the height half my body only. so i can actually climb out. which was what i did after realising that the emergency button don't work(7. this whole part damn weird can. got jc people and weird lift and toy in life). then jackie keep messaging me to reach at 9.30am to watch the performance. i didn't reply because i was lost in the HDB flat. i cannot find my unit and i keep thinking i stay at 10th floor. then at 9th floor got unit number is #10-** one.

until today i realise i stay at 5th floor. (waste time dreaming)

next week last week of SIP! can stayover at jackie's liao.

2010-11-24T23:18:00.000+08:00

its cute when your guy wants the whole world to know that you are taken.

2010-11-21T22:03:00.002+08:00

Quarrel yes, but forgetting your promise, it never occur to me that you would forget simple things that you promised me. But i think my heart died tonight. You can continue with your hurtful words and forgetfulness. Because starting tonight, im not sure whether my heart will continue beating for you. How important i am in your heart, how much would you do for me, how much have you let me down, making me so disappointed. Only you know, and i wont ask you whether you love me.

2010-11-20T21:51:00.003+08:00

at first i wanted to talk about some girl that i use to know in school who turn up to be a slut. like a real bitchy kind of slut. but now, i realise my own problem, i don't even care what she does outside with who at where.

because i don't know what my current feeling is. is it because i use to throw a big fuss over this until im used to it, or i just stop caring. but it felt like such a waste. perhaps you can tell me whether you are still worth it or not? if not i don't see the point and don't want to waste any more efforts trying to hold on. because when the time comes for it to end, i don't want to cry, much less beg you to stay.

2010-11-18T21:14:00.001+08:00

sorry boss, i overslept till 8.40 so i didnt have enough time to prepare and go to work. and i got an mc and slack at home and watch disney classics instead. (:

2010-11-15T21:22:00.002+08:00

If you respect me, treat me as your friend and family. The least you can do is not to scold vulgurities in front of me. Especially when you know what i dont like to hear it. If you are angry, use a better choice of word. If you are scolding for the sake of scolding, dont say you are my friend. Because all this just reflects on what kind of person you are. I remembered in year 1 i told someone who got hurt by politics like me, its small actions by someone towards you that show what he/she think about you. So keep the big actions and show me that you are attentive towards me. I dont need big stuff to show to others. So long as i know how you feel, thats enough.

2010-11-14T22:32:00.001+08:00

do i really have to do things by myself so that i can get what i want? so now i have to be alone and work hard? i don't want to be disappointed anymore. just because its not important to you doesn't mean that it is nothing to me as well.

2010-11-14T01:19:00.001+08:00

when the boat reach the harbour, it will naturally be straight.

and thanks to whoever that help stop my boat from sinking.

2010-11-10T22:10:00.000+08:00

i don't like being alone.

2010-11-09T22:17:00.001+08:00

i don't know what to say. i don't even feel like speaking anymore. i promise myself that this is the last time i will put in effort and money. no more. even if u regret and want my efforts now. nope, u go get your own. (:

2010-11-08T22:37:00.001+08:00

i want my furry friend.

2010-11-07T22:56:00.002+08:00

this is boring shit. its gonna be monday again. but its ok. i will endure and wait for 3rd december. and there are so many things for me to look forward to in december. im getting my new hairstyle no matter what. and maybe even doing my hair on 3rd if i really cant wait. by then i think i will have my very own nikon s3000. and a wedding to attend to. even if its only in the afternoon i also don't mind. at least i get to dress up. and find excuses to take picture with bf. then a few days later and its christmas. shit, how to shop for bf when i always meet him? double SHIT! how is my bf going to shop for me when he never shops? and he go out with friends also don't shop what! must hint him when the time comes. then a few days later we are off to genting. when we are back, its almost new year. so maybe (i doubt my bf will buy, but i can hope) i will get another present. wah, december like shiok sia. so many presents. (:

but now only 7th november. i still need book timing to collect passport. hmmm.. what to get him for xmas???

2010-11-06T22:49:00.000+08:00

can i have an order of jackie tan, upsize please.

2010-11-05T23:45:00.002+08:00

i don't see the need to treasure what we have anymore. at least, not until you prove to me that you treasure the same thing as well. don't even bother acting like you feel guilty or what. because i will know that you are lying to me. i wanted to use strong words. but also because i still treasure you, thats why i can control myself. so does it mean that when you lose your cool, you don't treasure me? if not why can't you think twice before you say something? if i really wanted to, i could have done the same thing and go out with other guys what. not as if i don't have friends to go out with. have you ever thought about why i'm still at home? of course you never think. because im nowhere near your heart!

2010-11-04T23:17:00.004+08:00

i know change is the only constant thing around this world. and people change alot in their appearance as well as their personality. same for me, according to vanessa, my ambitions change like almost everyday. and thanks to my teacher, wendy yu, for enlightening me and telling me that what im experiencing is called discovery. finding out who i want to be. for career and for character.

but why some people can have change so drastic that im not sure who they are anymore. and somehow, i feel sad too. because its either they wanted to change or i didnt realise that they were this kind of person from the beginning.

现在我有了你, 我还怕什么?

and i went all the way to little india to do my hand-na. and chance upon a small cafe that serves good food with nice atmosphere and got candle somemore!!!! at least i can say that jackie got bring me go eat candle-lit dinner before. yup, and my spelling is so horrible until even the smart ones can understand what im spelling.

2010-11-03T22:03:00.002+08:00

i don't know why i'm so stubborn. refusing to say out my true feelings. refusing to do things that i think shouldn't be done. and just quietly wait for things to be done by someone else. hopefully the jackpot is hit. when it doesn't i quietly cry at home instead of hitting the jackpot also.

2010-11-03T12:55:00.002+08:00

The more i sit at my office, the more lonely i felt. I need a time machine. So that i can apply to another firm, so that all the unhappiness caused by me will not happen. I need you to tell me that everything is ok. Everything will be fine after awhile. But i know that wont happen. Bye.

2010-11-02T21:50:00.001+08:00

maybe its time for me to let go. its also the first time that im not throwing my temper or making a fuss about things. its time for me to keep quiet. ):

2010-10-31T22:55:00.002+08:00

nowadays i find it so hard to blog anymore. like i cant find the right words to type or the words that i can use. because i myself don't even know how much im worth anymore. i use to think that im one of a kind, im someone different, someone that is priceless to another person. now, i think im just another girl.

why cant this world be more generous with their words? and say something nice to someone everyday. when will my family or friends say that they are glad im in their life? because i just cant see myself being normal. being just another girl.

2010-10-28T23:01:00.002+08:00

how do you know that you really love the person that you think you love? because from what i see, some people only 'fall in love' with someone because they think they like that person. or to get over their ex and so qiao they got close with someone else. and when you forget your ex, you realise that they person you are in 'love' with isn't the person you are looking for afterall.

2010-10-25T22:05:00.012+08:00

i realised alot of people have no idea what they are looking for when they are looking for a partner. i don't know what guys like, so here is "how to look for perfect bf".

ONE - see how he treat his friends

if a guy treats his friends well and have a bunch of 'brothers' then chances are, he will treat you even better.

TWO - his reaction to kids

if he like kids, or he has patience towards them, it means that he is a family man. then trust him to take good care of you and your children if you have the intention to marry him.

THREE - have average looks

please don't find a guy that is too handsome. you don't want girls going after him. he can't be too pretty too. how will you feel if your guy is chio-er than you? go for someone who isn't too good-looking and not too ugly as well. a few scars might be nice. to show that he's manly.

FOUR - hot bod

not too handsome doesn't mean he can't have a nice figure. because you don't want a guy who is too flabby and out of shape right? the percentage of muscles depend on individual though.

FIVE - he must be sporty

guys are meant to do sports. he need not be some olympic dude. but at least he should exercise once a week? this way, your can get to exercise together also. best if he has a nice tan too. if not too white is too gay.

SIX - have supernatural powers

these powers depends. im not talking about the power to fly or shoot ice beams. but the power to understand you. if he can't understand you no matter how hard he tries, you won't get a happy ending.

SEVEN - good at drinking

too alcoholic is no good. but every guy should have a good level of alcohol intake. if they get drunk too quickly, they not only look lousy in front of their friends, you may have to carry him home.

EIGHT - can fight

if a guy can't fight, how is he going to protect his gf? even if not martial arts trained, at least have good endurance just in case he gets whacked.

NINE - be a man

he must have a certain level of attitude in him. you like a wishy washy guy who doesn't have attitude?

TEN - good kisser

lastly, he must know how to kiss. (: